Worries... and then the "Ah ha" moment

I had posted recently on Miles for JP about how I'm having a hard time digesting that Jonathan's surgery is so close. I had wrote the below note:

JPs surgery is almost 2 weeks away and for months (especially after conquering the MRI) I thought it would be a little easier to look ahead at surgery and get through it. Well within the last week, I realize it's not. My new reality is that I'm not okay. I tend to promote lengthening awareness and feel so confident about his upcoming surgery, but I'm not. Maybe it's my way to deal with it, accept it.

I was at a family gathering this past week and as people wished me well and sent prayers and good vibes my way, I would get teary eyed and now every time I think about his surgery...the day...August 9th, a wave of emotion comes over me.

I know part of it is anxiety...the MRI was a quick procedure, this surgery is not. The experience FH mom's tend to remind all new mom's that the hardest part is getting through the first surgery. The truth is this surgery is the turning point- it will give JP a more functional foot and set him on his way to lengthening and some day give him more even legs. While I stand behind our decision a 1000% to go the lengthening route, I worry and question that this is right for JP and our family...like any parent would.

Tonight, a FH friend wrote a new blog post, the end paragraph resinated with me....JP will always have FH, it will define him, but it will make us a stronger family, make us better parents, and (has) already opened my eyes to other people's struggles.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers and get through the anxiety to when we arrive at Jonathan's surgery.

While I'm still trying to deal with my emotions, I have slowly understood this is my reality. I come from a family who uses the motto- "God has a reason for everything".  For the last 2 years I have had a hard time digesting and  believing that this was meant to be my path. I have continue to accept and then go back to struggling with JP's diagnoses and surgeries.

One of  my close friends was recently diagnoses with Breast Cancer and it has broken my heart. We're planning a playdate for our kids, but also a time for her and I to hang out and support each other. She has lost most of her hair and shave the rest off. Today, she sent me a text message to let me know she doesn't typically wear her wig at home, but would do so for Aiden. My response was to do what she felt comfortable with, but also whatever is a typical day for her.

And then came my "ah ha" moment...we have spent a lot of time talking with Aiden that sometimes people look different, act different, but they're loved and are just as special as anyone else. Of course this discussion comes from JP's condition. It started with us talking with Aiden when JP was born-  how we discussed that Jonathan only has 8 toes and a leg shorter and not "normal" looking like him.

I'm not saying that JPs FH happened so I can talk to Aiden about my girlfriend having cancer, but it's nice to know I don't have to spend a lot of time explaining it to him either. I'm not sure he'll even notice because he's so excited to have a playdate with his friends, but if he asked, I know my response will be totally understandable to him that he'll be like okay and then go back to playing. It has also helped me explain to him when we see kids with down syndrome or autism or just a physical disability.

I hate that my girlfriend has cancer. I hate that my son has Fibular Hemimelia. I hate that they both will have pain and struggle. I do like that JPs FH has taught Aiden about acceptance, about the fact that people are different, that people act different. It has helped me have conversations I once never thought I would have with a 4 year old. It has encouraged him to ask questions, which we hope strangers will do about JP, instead of stare. It also has taught him that Mommy (and Daddy) might be sad sometimes....but it's okay, it just us accepting that we love everyone.